I hate not being able to know what's going to happen in the future. So many things in my life are full of the unknown and they all hold a possibility of being gone. Death is a scary thing, even when you pray like there's no tomorrow, you can never overpower God's will. I'm scared to death of loosing two people in my life that are too special to me.
Grandpa Bruce, I love you so much even though I never really say it. You've been teaching me things ever since I can remember. I go through my baby books and see pictures of us at construction sites, In a bulldozer, on top of a roof. You've taught me so many things I would have never known without you. You taught me how to ride a bike, you taught me how to change a tire, you taught me how to clean out the gutters, you taught me to drive (dangerously). You've made such an impact in my life, and I know your in a lot of pain constantly. But you put on your brave face to the world, and keep smiling and joking. Your stubborn, if nothing your fixing is working you won't give up on it. You never have. That's why I'm so scared about your spinal surgery next Friday. It's dangerous, I'm going to be scared the whole time. My heart will be racing until I can finally hear the news that everything went okay. I've been praying all week that it's going to go smoothly. I can't picture a life with you not in it. I need you to be at my highschool graduation, I need you to be at my wedding, I need you to be around for Grandma and Mom.
I need you. Period.
Alec. Everyday frightens me, with your chest pains, heart problems and blackouts. I've been having these horrible dreams for weeks about you. It always seems to go like this:
I get a call that your in a hospital in tri-cities and that your going into emergency surgery because one of your heart valves isn't functioning. I drive as fast as I can, but there's always something keeping me away, the car running out of gas, stuck in traffic. You call me right before you go into surgery, "Hannah, I love you. I'm going to be okay. I'll see you here when I wake up." And it's the last time I ever hear your voice. When I finally make it to the hospital, I see your Dad and Tina Bawling. I ask them what's happened and they look up at me with sad eyes and I instantly know. I collapse to the ground and can't stop crying. They ask me if I want to see you, and I do. When I see you for the last time, your laying on a metal table, sheet up to your chin. Your so pale and still. I take my hands and touch your face, I kiss your cold lips thinking it's going to bring you back, but I know it can't.
Then I wake up.
I've had this same dream for two weeks now. I don't know what it means, I think it's just my mind trying to torture me. If I ever lost my Alec I would be in so much pain, how can you loose the one you love? That's why everytime you complain about your chest pains I freak out and want to take you in my arms and rush you to the hospital to figure out why this is happening.
Until the day you go to the Cardiologist in Tri-Cities and we can know what's really wrong.
I will be worrying every second of every day about your life. I'm not letting this nightmare ever come true.
I'm never loosing you.
-Hannah Marie Ditter
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