Love.

I love the way you look at me. I love the way you look when you smile. I love the way that you push my hair out of my eyes. I love how when ever we hangout we do the most random things but have the greatest memories. I love how protective you are. I love the way we joke about the people we hate. I love the way you take your hands in mine. I love the way you giggle when I tickle you down to the ground. I love the way your hair looks when it's in a hat. I love the way you hold me. I love the way we have so many inside jokes. I love the way that we have our own tree at a park. I love how we have the best adventures at walmart. I love how you stare at me like I'm the most perfect thing that's ever happened to you. I love the way you laugh at me when I snort. I love how amazing you look when you dress up. I love the way you brought me a single rose when I was sick. I love how everyone tells us were so perfect together. I love how we talk about our futures together. I love how we kick rocks down the street and make the best time out of it. I love all of those little notes you give me. I love how cute you looked as a baby. I love your eyes. I love all of the little gifts you get me. I love the way you danced with me at homecoming. I love the way we could spend a whole summer day together at a park and never get bored. I love watching movies with you. I love your school picture. I love how you kiss me. I love how you tickle me. I love how you take pictures with my camera. I love how you come to all my dance recitals. I love how I get so nervous to see you, but I'm most comfortable when I'm with you. I love how you insist that you pay for everything. I love your family. I love how you worry about me. I love how you put up with my picky eating habits. I love that my family adores you. I love that your always willing to drop anything to be with me. I love how you surprise me. I love how you act like a dork. I love how when I look at the empty space at my bed and wish you were there to fill it. I love the weird looks you give me in class in an awkward moment. I love how you take my call because I just need to hear your voice. I love how you steady my shaking hands. I love how you relax me after I've had a nightmare. I love our late night calls. I love our late night goodnight routine. I love how you are willing to protect me at any moment. I love the way you keep me warm when I'm cold. I love the way we play call of duty together. I love the way we spend every free moment with each other. I love everything about you.

Past.

How can you hide from what never goes away?


It's hard for me all the time. Girls are always flirting with you, weather you realize it or not, they are. I go back on your facebook and see things I really wish I hadn't seen. Messages from one of my best friends, Status's about your ex girlfriends and how much you "loved" them. It hurts, even if you don't think it's a big deal or not. It still in a way bugs me how some of them aren't over you. The looks they give you eveyday, they worry me. Sometimes I feel like what if I'm not enough for you? No matter how many times you tell me you love me, no matter how many times you say I don't ever want anybody else. There's always this thought in the back of my mind that your gonna find someone you have more things in common with, someone who's prettier, smarter. Enough to replace me. That's the scariest thing for me.
Eh, small rant. I just feel jealous and scared right now. 

-Hannah Marie Ditter

Scared of the unknown.

"Hope for the best but prepare for the worst."




I hate not being able to know what's going to happen in the future. So many things in my life are full of the unknown and they all hold a possibility of being gone. Death is a scary thing, even when you pray like there's no tomorrow, you can never overpower God's will. I'm scared to death of loosing two people in my life that are too special to me.
Grandpa Bruce, I love you so much even though I never really say it. You've been teaching me things ever since I can remember. I go through my baby books and see pictures of us at construction sites, In a bulldozer, on top of a roof. You've taught me so many things I would have never known without you. You taught me how to ride a bike, you taught me how to change a tire, you taught me how to clean out the gutters, you taught me to drive (dangerously). You've made such an impact in my life, and I know your in a lot of pain constantly. But you put on your brave face to the world, and keep smiling and joking. Your stubborn, if nothing your fixing is working you won't give up on it. You never have. That's why I'm so scared about your spinal surgery next Friday. It's dangerous, I'm going to be scared the whole time. My heart will be racing until I can finally hear the news that everything went okay. I've been praying all week that it's going to go smoothly. I can't picture a life with you not in it. I need you to be at my highschool graduation, I need you to be at my wedding, I need you to be around for Grandma and Mom.
I need you. Period.

Alec. Everyday frightens me, with your chest pains, heart problems and blackouts. I've been having these horrible dreams for weeks about you. It always seems to go like this:

I get a call that your in a hospital in tri-cities and that your going into emergency surgery because one of your heart valves isn't functioning. I drive as fast as I can, but there's always something keeping me away, the car running out of gas, stuck in traffic. You call me right before you go into surgery, "Hannah, I love you. I'm going to be okay. I'll see you here when I wake up." And it's the last time I ever hear your voice. When I finally make it to the hospital, I see your Dad and Tina Bawling. I ask them what's happened and they look up at me with sad eyes and I instantly know. I  collapse to the ground and can't stop crying. They ask me if I want to see you, and I do. When I see you for the last time, your laying on a metal table, sheet up to your chin. Your so pale and still. I take my hands and touch your face, I kiss your cold lips thinking it's going to bring you back, but I know it can't. 

Then I wake up.

I've had this same dream for two weeks now. I don't know what it means, I think it's just my mind trying to torture me. If I ever lost my Alec I would be in so much pain, how can you loose the one you love? That's why everytime you complain about your chest pains I freak out and want to take you in my arms and rush you to the hospital to figure out why this is happening.

Until the day you go to the Cardiologist in Tri-Cities and we can know what's really wrong.

I will be worrying every second of every day about your life. I'm not letting this nightmare ever come true.

I'm never loosing you.

-Hannah Marie Ditter

Old Friends & New Ones

"I think i’ve finally come to the point in my life where i’m happy with myself and know that i don’t have to change or be a certain way for people to like me anymore. i’m just fine and if someone doesn’t think i am, screw them."

Girls are mean.

The worst part about it, is that you can't do anything about it. Girls are bitchy creatures who feed off each other's insecurities to bring confidence to themselves. Sometimes I find myself in utter shock at girls in our generation today, wearing less and less clothing and plastering applying more makeup to their faces. It doesn't seem fair, we should all be treating each other equally, where did all of this negativity come in? I'm sick of going on Facebook and seeing girls put each other down just because they're so insecure about themselves that they feel the need to make other girls miserable. 

I'm always trying to be the better person. All of my friends say I'm the "Nice and honest one they know." It's sad, I'm the ONLY one they know that is always being positive and not putting other people down. It's not even that hard to always be positive and to bring smiles to other people's faces. It's much harder to try to think of ways to bring people down.

It's disgusting how mean girls are.

I'm sick of seeing girls acting like sluts at school, short shorts, tank tops, boobs spilling out from their shirts. And just to keep up with their slutty ego they have to add 15 pounds of makeup to their poor faces, tease their hair, put in the extensions.

Is anybody real anymore?

Why do girls feel the need to dress like this? Honestly, I can wear jeans, toms, and some random top and feel pretty. There's no need to always go all out. It's school. Who are you trying so hard to impress?

People don't like the girl that's always trying too hard for attention.

Another thing is when girls are on facebook and constantly whine for attention on their status' and then when people ask what's wrong they get all mad because your "in their buisness.." Okay seriously, don't whine and be a brat if you don't want people knowing what's actually wrong. Get a life. Grow up.

Your in highschool now, it's time to grow up and stop messing around. Your future is literally at stake.

Fail too many classes and your screwed.

Spend too much time putting on makeup in the morning and miss classes, your screwed.

Fail the SAT tests because you've been paying more attention to gossip than schoolwork, your screwed.

So basically, grow up. Take some makeup off, everyone would rather see a more natural face anyways. 

Be you. Stop pretending to be somebody else.

-Hannah Marie Ditter

"Dreams are real. when you have a dream, fight for it. don’t let anything stand in your way because that dream is so much bigger than anything else in this cold world. don’t give in to people who don’t wantgood things for you. don’t let them stop you. fight for your dream, protect it, defend it, and i promiseyou’ll make it through."

I've been to Hell and back, for five years now.

"There’s a story behind every person. There’s a reason why they’re the way they are. They aren’t just like that because they want to. Something in the past created them, and it’s not a matter of what can fix it, but how."

 I've lived with something for the past five years that eats at the back of my mind everyday. It's constantly trying to disturb my happiness and ruining my everyday life. Panic attacks.

Everyday, it always finds a way to emerge. Ever since I was 11 years old I've had this condition, and it's been getting better over the years.

It used to be awful, I was terrified of public places, I hated sitting in a classroom, I wouldn't eat for the fear of getting sick, I began pulling my hair out, and the backs of my knees had bruises from where I would pinch myself in the effort to distract myself from the panic attack. 

But it's gotten better, so much better. 

What I can take away from this is that even when something takes over your life in some way every single day, you have to find a positive barrier to lean on. You have to tell yourself that everything is going to be alright and that you are going to survive this.

"God only puts you through what he knows you can handle, and for those who seem to have it the worst will be the strongest."

This quote has taken me throughout so many of my attacks. I pray and pray and pray. I ask God to help me push through this, to help me be the stronger person I know he made me to be. Even when I hate myself because I feel so different, and nobody else I know has to deal with the same thing, I know that God has a reason for me to have panic attacks. I don't really know what the reason is, maybe it's to make me stronger, make me a better person, teaching me something I never knew about myself. At this point in time I honestly don't know, but one day I will.

That's all for tonight.

-Hannah Marie Ditter

Together we'd float so delicately..

To

Split.

"We find by losing. We hold fast by letting go. We
become something new by ceasing to be something
old. There is nothing permanent except change."

I never really like to talk about my family life. Because in a way I feel like if I don't talk about it, then in a way it didn't happen. 

Things happen, people change and life still manages to stumble on. Change isn't always a bad thing, but it's never always a good thing. It's like yin and yang, there's always a positive side to change and then a negative side. Parent's break up, it's always happening, sometimes you never even get to know why, it just happens. You obviously have your assumptions, but nobody is ever willing to tell you the truth. Maybe it's because I'm terrified that my assumptions are true, I don't want them to be. I want to keep my childhood memory safe and secure. I don't want to have to remember all of this negativity and hate towards you. I don't want too. But sometimes you make me so angry, and when you blame things on me that really aren't my fault? That hurts the most. I hope you know I respect you as a fatherly figure, but not one that's always going to be in my life. Honestly, if you hated it so bad with us you should of left sooner so I wouldn't remember it as bitterly as i do now.

"Were moving." You say.

"Really?!" My sister and I both exclaim and get bouncy in our seats. But then I look at my mom's face, stained with fresh tears.

"But, Mommy's getting her own house, and Daddy's getting his own house." He doesn't look my sister or I in the eyes.

I finally break the silence, "What do you mean?"

"Were getting a divorce Hannah."

At that moment I knew that I had to grow up, i had to be there for my emotionally unstable mother. Even today I can't imagine how painful that must of been. But I am so proud of my mom, she is the strongest woman i know, she didn't even let his ass take her down, she came back with ten times more power than she had before. She's now working harder, going to school again to get in the Medical field. My mom is my super hero and she doesn't even know how much of an effect she's always going to leave on me. She makes the best out of any situation and she's always making me laugh, even though we get on each other's nerves. I love her like my best friend, even more. 

I don't know what else to say, I've never really talked about this in so much detail before, but Four years later I'm learning how to cope and I know what to think about and what not to think about. I know where I stand between my parents and I try not to push it.

-Hannah Marie Ditter

First Sight.

"The truth is… we hide because we want to be found, we walk away to see who will follow, we cry to see who will wipe away the tears and we let our hearts break to see who will fix them."


I remember Jan. 6th 2011 like it was yesterday. It was the first time I saw you.
It had been such a stressful morning, transferring schools was alot of paperwork, but finally they let me in. I remember going into my 1st period class, physical science. I didn't see a familiar face, they were all staring at me. And God forbid the teacher had to introduce me to the class. My face was so red. I sat behind a friendly face who was asking me lots of questions about where I came from and what my class schedule was. We had the next class together, Cadet Connections with Brewer. He told me he would walk me up to class because hell I didn't know where I was going, this school was so huge.
He walked me up to my class where the teacher was bright and bubbly, she smiled and me and told me that she was glad we could join her class, even this far in the school year. She had me sit by the boy who had been the friendliest towards me this morning, thank God for him.
As students began strolling through the classroom he would name off all of the kids, "Hanna de la vega, Nick Rennie, Christian, Mckayla.."
He stopped to talk to his friends for a moment, when the door opened again and I turned my head to see who this unfamiliar face was.
I saw him, his gorgeous dirty blonde hair, his dark blue sweatshirt, his amazing green eyes that pierced into mine.
I pulled on my friend's sleeve, trying not to look to excited.
"Who's he?" I whispered
"Oh, that's Alec Byers!" He smiled, "Why such an interest in this student huh?" He winked.
God Alec was so gorgeous, he walked across the front of the classroom and took his spot four over from my left.
It was then and there official.
He was going to be mine, no matter what it took he was mine.
And that was the first time that I saw you Alec, the first time my eyes looked upon yours. The second I knew that I wanted you.
And now eight months later, I still want you. Everyday, for the rest of my life.
I love you.
Forever and Always! 
5-9-11
-Hannah Marie Ditter

I tend to always have to much on my mind, but I can never put it exactly into words.

My mind is to filled with thoughts. Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning in my own mind. I can never fully express myself in words. So I put them into photographs, into my dance finally a way for me to express myself.
I've never been the best at anything. I always feel a little behind, when it comes to dance. There's so many other girls who are so much better than I am. They have a better turnout, their pointe shoes have a perfect arch, they have perfect bodies. While here I am with my long hawk arms and skinny and gangly torso. No, I'm not trying to make this sound like a depressing blog note, but still. Nobody in life is perfect right? Cue the Hannah Montana "Nobody's perfect" song. One thing that I do feel so comfortable with is my releationships, weather it be with friends, family, or my boyfriend. I feel like I am I nice person, well I try my hardest to be. This year has been a major turning point in my life, I've figured out who I can trust, and who I can't. I've lost friends, made friends. I finally found the real me. I've incorporated myself into new things, I've been stressed out. But in the midst of all that, I've been utterly happy. Everyday I've woken up with a smile on my face, a reason to be grateful for the day ahead.
Last year was hard, I transferred schools and had to make many new friends. It wasn't hard, but I still missed everyone I had known for 9 years. I sometimes still do, I wonder what my life had really been like if I had stayed at LaSalle. Would I be happy? Who would I be best friends with? Where would I be in my life?
But then it strikes me that If I hadn't left LaSalle and gone to Ike, how would I have met the love of my life? Who would of he been with right now? His ex? Someone new?
So many questions flow through my head when I can't sleep at night and I consider the impossibles. I'm so happy with the choices I've finally made in my life, I've grown up as a person and I know what I want to do with my life.
My dream is to go to Allied Arts in Seattle for college, I want to get my degree in Commercial Photography and eventually own my very own studio in Seattle. I want to move out Senior summer, and move in with my boyfriend. Just a small little apartment about the towering buildings in downtown Seattle. That's honestly all I want in my life. To be happy.
God, I keep rambling on. This is what I get for having a sinus infection and not being able to fall asleep.
Anyways, this is just tonight's thoughts.
-Love,
Hannah Marie Ditter
(: