Love.

I love the way you look at me. I love the way you look when you smile. I love the way that you push my hair out of my eyes. I love how when ever we hangout we do the most random things but have the greatest memories. I love how protective you are. I love the way we joke about the people we hate. I love the way you take your hands in mine. I love the way you giggle when I tickle you down to the ground. I love the way your hair looks when it's in a hat. I love the way you hold me. I love the way we have so many inside jokes. I love the way that we have our own tree at a park. I love how we have the best adventures at walmart. I love how you stare at me like I'm the most perfect thing that's ever happened to you. I love the way you laugh at me when I snort. I love how amazing you look when you dress up. I love the way you brought me a single rose when I was sick. I love how everyone tells us were so perfect together. I love how we talk about our futures together. I love how we kick rocks down the street and make the best time out of it. I love all of those little notes you give me. I love how cute you looked as a baby. I love your eyes. I love all of the little gifts you get me. I love the way you danced with me at homecoming. I love the way we could spend a whole summer day together at a park and never get bored. I love watching movies with you. I love your school picture. I love how you kiss me. I love how you tickle me. I love how you take pictures with my camera. I love how you come to all my dance recitals. I love how I get so nervous to see you, but I'm most comfortable when I'm with you. I love how you insist that you pay for everything. I love your family. I love how you worry about me. I love how you put up with my picky eating habits. I love that my family adores you. I love that your always willing to drop anything to be with me. I love how you surprise me. I love how you act like a dork. I love how when I look at the empty space at my bed and wish you were there to fill it. I love the weird looks you give me in class in an awkward moment. I love how you take my call because I just need to hear your voice. I love how you steady my shaking hands. I love how you relax me after I've had a nightmare. I love our late night calls. I love our late night goodnight routine. I love how you are willing to protect me at any moment. I love the way you keep me warm when I'm cold. I love the way we play call of duty together. I love the way we spend every free moment with each other. I love everything about you.

Past.

How can you hide from what never goes away?


It's hard for me all the time. Girls are always flirting with you, weather you realize it or not, they are. I go back on your facebook and see things I really wish I hadn't seen. Messages from one of my best friends, Status's about your ex girlfriends and how much you "loved" them. It hurts, even if you don't think it's a big deal or not. It still in a way bugs me how some of them aren't over you. The looks they give you eveyday, they worry me. Sometimes I feel like what if I'm not enough for you? No matter how many times you tell me you love me, no matter how many times you say I don't ever want anybody else. There's always this thought in the back of my mind that your gonna find someone you have more things in common with, someone who's prettier, smarter. Enough to replace me. That's the scariest thing for me.
Eh, small rant. I just feel jealous and scared right now. 

-Hannah Marie Ditter

Scared of the unknown.

"Hope for the best but prepare for the worst."




I hate not being able to know what's going to happen in the future. So many things in my life are full of the unknown and they all hold a possibility of being gone. Death is a scary thing, even when you pray like there's no tomorrow, you can never overpower God's will. I'm scared to death of loosing two people in my life that are too special to me.
Grandpa Bruce, I love you so much even though I never really say it. You've been teaching me things ever since I can remember. I go through my baby books and see pictures of us at construction sites, In a bulldozer, on top of a roof. You've taught me so many things I would have never known without you. You taught me how to ride a bike, you taught me how to change a tire, you taught me how to clean out the gutters, you taught me to drive (dangerously). You've made such an impact in my life, and I know your in a lot of pain constantly. But you put on your brave face to the world, and keep smiling and joking. Your stubborn, if nothing your fixing is working you won't give up on it. You never have. That's why I'm so scared about your spinal surgery next Friday. It's dangerous, I'm going to be scared the whole time. My heart will be racing until I can finally hear the news that everything went okay. I've been praying all week that it's going to go smoothly. I can't picture a life with you not in it. I need you to be at my highschool graduation, I need you to be at my wedding, I need you to be around for Grandma and Mom.
I need you. Period.

Alec. Everyday frightens me, with your chest pains, heart problems and blackouts. I've been having these horrible dreams for weeks about you. It always seems to go like this:

I get a call that your in a hospital in tri-cities and that your going into emergency surgery because one of your heart valves isn't functioning. I drive as fast as I can, but there's always something keeping me away, the car running out of gas, stuck in traffic. You call me right before you go into surgery, "Hannah, I love you. I'm going to be okay. I'll see you here when I wake up." And it's the last time I ever hear your voice. When I finally make it to the hospital, I see your Dad and Tina Bawling. I ask them what's happened and they look up at me with sad eyes and I instantly know. I  collapse to the ground and can't stop crying. They ask me if I want to see you, and I do. When I see you for the last time, your laying on a metal table, sheet up to your chin. Your so pale and still. I take my hands and touch your face, I kiss your cold lips thinking it's going to bring you back, but I know it can't. 

Then I wake up.

I've had this same dream for two weeks now. I don't know what it means, I think it's just my mind trying to torture me. If I ever lost my Alec I would be in so much pain, how can you loose the one you love? That's why everytime you complain about your chest pains I freak out and want to take you in my arms and rush you to the hospital to figure out why this is happening.

Until the day you go to the Cardiologist in Tri-Cities and we can know what's really wrong.

I will be worrying every second of every day about your life. I'm not letting this nightmare ever come true.

I'm never loosing you.

-Hannah Marie Ditter

Old Friends & New Ones

"I think i’ve finally come to the point in my life where i’m happy with myself and know that i don’t have to change or be a certain way for people to like me anymore. i’m just fine and if someone doesn’t think i am, screw them."

Girls are mean.

The worst part about it, is that you can't do anything about it. Girls are bitchy creatures who feed off each other's insecurities to bring confidence to themselves. Sometimes I find myself in utter shock at girls in our generation today, wearing less and less clothing and plastering applying more makeup to their faces. It doesn't seem fair, we should all be treating each other equally, where did all of this negativity come in? I'm sick of going on Facebook and seeing girls put each other down just because they're so insecure about themselves that they feel the need to make other girls miserable. 

I'm always trying to be the better person. All of my friends say I'm the "Nice and honest one they know." It's sad, I'm the ONLY one they know that is always being positive and not putting other people down. It's not even that hard to always be positive and to bring smiles to other people's faces. It's much harder to try to think of ways to bring people down.

It's disgusting how mean girls are.

I'm sick of seeing girls acting like sluts at school, short shorts, tank tops, boobs spilling out from their shirts. And just to keep up with their slutty ego they have to add 15 pounds of makeup to their poor faces, tease their hair, put in the extensions.

Is anybody real anymore?

Why do girls feel the need to dress like this? Honestly, I can wear jeans, toms, and some random top and feel pretty. There's no need to always go all out. It's school. Who are you trying so hard to impress?

People don't like the girl that's always trying too hard for attention.

Another thing is when girls are on facebook and constantly whine for attention on their status' and then when people ask what's wrong they get all mad because your "in their buisness.." Okay seriously, don't whine and be a brat if you don't want people knowing what's actually wrong. Get a life. Grow up.

Your in highschool now, it's time to grow up and stop messing around. Your future is literally at stake.

Fail too many classes and your screwed.

Spend too much time putting on makeup in the morning and miss classes, your screwed.

Fail the SAT tests because you've been paying more attention to gossip than schoolwork, your screwed.

So basically, grow up. Take some makeup off, everyone would rather see a more natural face anyways. 

Be you. Stop pretending to be somebody else.

-Hannah Marie Ditter

"Dreams are real. when you have a dream, fight for it. don’t let anything stand in your way because that dream is so much bigger than anything else in this cold world. don’t give in to people who don’t wantgood things for you. don’t let them stop you. fight for your dream, protect it, defend it, and i promiseyou’ll make it through."

I've been to Hell and back, for five years now.

"There’s a story behind every person. There’s a reason why they’re the way they are. They aren’t just like that because they want to. Something in the past created them, and it’s not a matter of what can fix it, but how."

 I've lived with something for the past five years that eats at the back of my mind everyday. It's constantly trying to disturb my happiness and ruining my everyday life. Panic attacks.

Everyday, it always finds a way to emerge. Ever since I was 11 years old I've had this condition, and it's been getting better over the years.

It used to be awful, I was terrified of public places, I hated sitting in a classroom, I wouldn't eat for the fear of getting sick, I began pulling my hair out, and the backs of my knees had bruises from where I would pinch myself in the effort to distract myself from the panic attack. 

But it's gotten better, so much better. 

What I can take away from this is that even when something takes over your life in some way every single day, you have to find a positive barrier to lean on. You have to tell yourself that everything is going to be alright and that you are going to survive this.

"God only puts you through what he knows you can handle, and for those who seem to have it the worst will be the strongest."

This quote has taken me throughout so many of my attacks. I pray and pray and pray. I ask God to help me push through this, to help me be the stronger person I know he made me to be. Even when I hate myself because I feel so different, and nobody else I know has to deal with the same thing, I know that God has a reason for me to have panic attacks. I don't really know what the reason is, maybe it's to make me stronger, make me a better person, teaching me something I never knew about myself. At this point in time I honestly don't know, but one day I will.

That's all for tonight.

-Hannah Marie Ditter